Not Falling Apart
by BigFan4242
Summary: I didn't care he died. I didn't care he hated me. He was gone, forever, and I killed him. That was the end of it. But one thing was for sure. I'm not falling apart.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Not Falling Apart**

**Author: The one and only *trumpet plays* BigFan4242!**

**Pairing(s): Kendall/James, slight Carlos/Logan. Maybe slight James/Logan but I don't think so.**

**Ratings: PG-14 or PG-13. Not sure.**

**Warning(s): Language, suicide, death.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Big Time Rush is not mine (yet ;D) and I am not making a profit off this. This fic is mine but the characters and the show Big Time Rush is not mine. But if Time Rush was mine, oh boy XD**

**Mood: Happy with a side of sadness.**

**Listening to: Halfway There- Big Time Rush (I adore this song, it makes me love California even more)**

**Author's Note: Hello everyone. I'm sorry I didn't have anything new last week, I was just extremely busy. But here's a new fic, it's a pairing I adore but haven't really written for. I told myself I would at least ONCE write 1 non-Cargan and chapter fic. Which I finally did. **

**These few weeks have been really hectic, I've been fighting with my emotions constantly and it was really hard to get everything out. So I ****decided to venture my feelings in my writing and see what I'd get. W****hich helped form _dun, dun, dun _Not Falling Apart :) So sit back and read, and I hope you enjoy.**

**But before I start I want to dedicate this fic to many people.**

**First off I listen to music, a lot and majority of my music and the songs on my MP3 player come this amazing band named _Maroon _****_5_. I want to dedicate this to the band for all the great things their music gave me. Plus I need to thank them since I used some of their lyrics in the fic and in the title (which are not mine either) They are my most favorite band ever (I'm sorry BTR, but Maroon 5 came first) and just thanks to them for everything. Also happy birthday to their lead singer Adam Levine (or the sexiest man alive to me) He turned 31 this week on March 18 so I wanted to say that. And just so you know I have that marked on my calender, I'm seriously obsessed. I also just needed to add their James Maslow's favorite band, Yay! :)**

**Secondly to all the great writers who have inspired me. Alex Sanchez (_Rainbow Boys series, So Hard to Say, The God Box_), Nicholas Sparks (_Dear John, A Walk to Rememberer, Nights in Rodanthe_), Scott Westerfield (_The Uglies trilogy_), Lauren Myracle (_Ttyl series_, _Bliss, Kissing Kate_), and lastly but most importantly Ms. Laurie Halse Anderson (_Speak, Catalyst, Wintergirls_). Ms. Anderson I just finished reading your book _Wintergirl_s and it made me feel so much better with each word. It gave me some inspiration for this fic. Thank you so much, to all of you great writers :)**

**Thirdly to my family and friends. They've loved and cared for me for so long and just simply make me feel so warm and happy inside. We may fight but I do love them. Thanks to you all for the support, I love ya ;)**

**Fourthly to any of my fans, reviewers, and readers of my fictions. You all bring smiles to my face and I'm happy that you enjoyed my fics :)**

**And lastly but most importantly my pseudo sisters. I'm incredibly sorry for all the drive-bys and quick exits I've been making on the forum this past week. I****'m extremely sorry and I'm serious ****it's been like TORTURE without you girlies ;) You are so wonderful and I hope this is a good sorta apology for not being able talk for the past week :)**

**Along with my psedo sister dedication I want to thank Katie, Aly, and Kris for beating my fic :) Thank you so very much girlies ;)**

**Ok enough of my super long jabbering I****'m sure you want to read already ;) Enjoy!  
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_I peeked through the door eavesdropping at what was going on. I listen carefully to the sobs and mumbles of Ms. Knight and the policeman. They were talking about Kendall, and from the looks of it the conversation didn't seem so pretty. I opened the door a bit more going closer._

_"My baby he's gone." she cried tears coming down her cheeks, "Forever, forever. He's never coming back. What am I going to do now?" I trembled hoping in my heart it wasn't what I thought it was._

_"Ms. Knight you need to calm down, please. I understand this is a tough situation but beating yourself up isn't going to make anything better." he comforted._

_"I miss him." she whispered sobbing a bit._

_"I know."_

_"Why do you think he died?" she murmured as I felt my stomach go up my throat. I clenched the doorknob trying to force it back down into my body, "How did he die?"_

_"There are many ways a person would commit suicide." he mouthed his bushy, brown mustache moving during each word. He had one of those mustaches we would wish we had when we were younger then would laugh at when we grew up. But I couldn't really laugh at this moment. I shook my head trying to erase the only words that I was hearing._

_Death. Died. Suicide. You. You. Killed. Killed. Murderer. Murderer._

_They weren't making anything better though they were true. I sighed trying to shake them off again._

_"And sadly we have no idea why Kendall would do this, was he having any kind of stress? Problems? Did something horrible ever happen these past few days?"_

_"No." Yes._

_"Do you know any reason why he'd do this?"_

_"No." Yes. _

_"Do you think anyone else would know why?"_

_"No." Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, "Now how did he die?"_

_"Are you sure you want to know?" he asked worriedly. His face showed how scared he was to let her know, "It was pretty horrible, even for me."_

_You. You. You. Caused. This. This. Shame. Shame. Shame…_

_SHUT UP!_

_"Yes I do."_

_"Well we found his body like sort of burnt and fried. Like he electrocuted himself or burned himself. I have no idea how he could of done this. It was really horrible. No one has claimed to have seen what happened but a kind woman said she found his body near the park while she was taking a walk."_

_"Oh."_

_Burned. Death. You. Killed. Evil. Monster. Hate. Shame._

_I SAID SHUT UP DAMMIT!_

_"I'm incredibly sorry for your loss mam." he whispered patting her back, "I'll give you further details once we find some."_

_"Okay, thank you for all your help."_

_"Your welcome"_

I sighed looking at the toilet bowl in front of me staring at the pool of all the food I ate that day. Little brown and red chunks of spaghetti swirled in the dirty toilet water with the eggs and bacon I had that day. I pointed my index finger towards my mouth again sticking down my throat feeling the candy bar I ate coming up my throat again. Ever since Kendall died all I've been doing was eat like a damn pig. I was ugly. I was a horrible person. There was nothing good about me. I just messed everything up, there wasn't anything good about my life either. I just wanted to die, die a miserable, painful death. But I deserved to live this damn horrible life, for all the crap I gave everyone.

"This fucking sucks." I mumbled grabbing the handle of the toilet flushing out all the shit that was inside of it before getting up to wash my hands. I glanced down to the cuts on my arms placing them into the cool water. It stung but yet felt so good.

_Who was this?_ I thought to myself looking at the hideous monster staring right at me in the mirror. Why it's yourself, James Diamond. The James Diamond who had the best hair. The James Diamond who had the best style in clothes. The James Diamond with dreams to become famous. The James Diamond who murdered his friend…

_Knock… Knock… Knock… _

"James? Are in there? It's Logan." he yelled, "Open up."

"What do you fucking want?" I hissed opening the door ever so slightly peering into the tiny crack. He sent me a weary smile looking very charming in his fancy tux and new shoes. His face seemed exhausted though with wrinkles and bags under his eyes along with the tired sourness it withheld.

"Come on get dressed. We're going to Kendall's funeral. Come on." Ah Logan, if only you knew.

"I don't want to." I hissed again slamming the door shut. He sighed slamming his fist onto the door, "I said I don't want to. Leave without me."

"James, come on Kendall would want us all to go. Especially you." he replied. Yeah right, the only reason why Kendall would want me at his funeral is so he could come back from the dead and strangle me shitless.

"Get out."

"JAMES! Would you stop being such a jackass and get out of the damn bathroom. Don't you want to see Kendall before we bury him? He was our best friend, that's really insensitive of you." the words stung me like knife. He **WAS** my best friend. He hated me now, he wouldn't even want me to go near him.

"I'm not and you don't even know what's going on. Get out before I beat the fucking crap out of you." I threatened becoming frustrated by his stubbornness. I didn't fucking care he died. I didn't care he hated me. I didn't want to go to his fucking damn funeral. He was gone, forever, and I killed him. That was the end of it.

"Then tell me." he yelled, "Open the damn door or I'm going to open it myself!"

"Like you can." I mocked, "And why? So you can drag me to the funeral?"

"So I can talk to you and not a damn door."

"Your gonna make me go."

"I won't." he pleaded tiredly and softly.

"Your lying."

"I'm not, you obviously don't want to go. And I respect that, but I want to talk to you in person." I sighed fumbling with the doorknob opening the door slowly just in case he was lying.

"Ok what is it?" I asked pulling the sleeves of my shirt down trying to hide the pain I put onto my flesh. He quickly grabbed my wrists pulling them back up.

"What are these?"

"I fell." I lied under my breath, "But it was accident, I learned my lesson."

"It smells like vomit." he stated, "Dammit James what's going on with you? Your fucking falling apart." he stared into my eyes with his chocolate brown ones. Even in the dim lighting they shone brightly. I pulled away from his grasp turning back about to go inside the bathroom. Logan had this weird power to make people tell him their problems so he could comfort them. That's why he wanted to be a doctor, but I always thought of him being more of a psychiatrist. Which was still a doctor.

"I'm not falling apart." I whispered lying again.

"I know you've been cutting and self vomiting James." he started as my eyes widened. Crap was everything wrong with me that fucking obvious? "And I know you just did it right now. I'm not stupid."

"I never said you were." I snapped, "And I told you I fell, plus my stomach's been aching. That enough explanation?"

"Why don't you just admit you lying to me James." he growled angrily under his breath, "I know your lying, I know you miss him. Your practically killing yourself too!" he screamed.

"You don't know everything Logan!" I screamed back at him, "You don't know what I'm feeling. You have no idea." I hissed again, "Tell me. How do you know? Every answer has a reason, tell me yours?" he sighed as I glared angrily at him. He began to look around before coming closer.

"Because." he started, "If Carlos was in the same situation I know I'd be doing the same thing you are." he sobbed quietly wiping a single tear from his eye, "I love him James, more than just a friend, and I know you felt the same about Kendall. I can't live without him, I'd probably die after hearing he was gone from my life. I know your doing the same now James I do, But I can't bare to see another one of Big Time Rush's members and my best friend dying. You don't have to hurt yourself, it isn't going to make anything better."

"I deserve to die." I mumble, "I made Kendall die. I'm a murderer."

"How? Kendall killed himself."

"I made him want to die." I whispered letting a thousand tears run down my eyes, "Before he died I told him I loved him. He obviously didn't feel the same, actually I think he was disgusted and scared by what I told him. I killed him." I replied as he wrapped his arms around me. I felt the warmness of his body making my cold, frozen body thaw slowly.

"You didn't kill him,." he whispered, "Kendall killed himself. He didn't have to but he did. You didn't kill him James, you just told him how you felt. Kendall could of tried to settle it but he just took the easy way and killed himself. You don't want to that right?" I sighed.

"I guess not." I mumbled sobbing, "Hey Logan?"

"Yeah?" "Have you ever told him?" I asked as he let go sending me a sad, guilt filled frown.

"No… I'm too scared to." he admitted. I gave him a weary smile kissing his cheek.

"Well you should. I'm sure it won't end as horrible as what happened to me." He smiled kissing my forehead in a friendly way before exiting the door. I took in a deep breath before laying on the bed in fetal position awaiting for everyone to leave.

I scurried into the graveyard nearly causing an earthquake by how much was shaking. The soft, delicate feel of water constantly hit my body as it rained. Everything seemed like some sort of movie. The tragically sad lover walking in the graveyard in the dead of night as it rained trying to find peace with the one person they loved. I swear it wouldn't have shocked me if Camille all of sudden came walking in slapping me across the face screaming some random nonsense. I curved the ends of my mouth slightly kneeling beside the tombstone reading the large capitalized letters.

**R.I.P KENDALL KNIGHT**

**A GREAT SON, FRIEND, AND PERFORMER**

**MAY HIS MUSIC STAY IN OUR HEARTS**

**WE WILL MISS HIM**

"Hi Kendall." I started, tracing the letter with the top of my finger. My eyes shed a few tears but I tried to stay together and not fall apart, "I-I miss you." I whimpered just completely falling apart.

"Nothings the same without you, I think you know that already. Oh Kendall I wish you hadn't had died, I miss you too much. But I accept your choice. Okay the real reason why I'm here is to talk to you." I sighed taking a deep breath before speaking again."After I told you I love you we didn't really talk about it afterwards. But Kendall I just wanted to let you know that yes it was all true, and I do love you. Do you know how horrible it feels to love someone and not be able to tell them that. To see them everyday to be that close to them and know that you wanted more than just a pat on the back or a friendly hug. But instead you wanted them to tell you that they loved you. For them to kiss you and hug you and make you feel that special feeling. That was why I told you my "little secret" and because I knew you'd feel the same. Ok no I HOPED you felt the same. I simply love you Kendall and I'm a mess without you. Ok I was a love struck mess with you. But I'd rather be living in hell with you then without you. I know you probably don't want to see me, and probably think I'm selfish for doing this but I'm falling apart without you. Which is why I must do this." I mouthed grabbing the small bright red switchblade I used to cut myself from my navy blue jacket. I let out a weary smile looking up at the sky before I did what I was about to do.

"I'll be seeing you soon." I whispered before jabbing the cold, steel metal blade in m skin feeling the sharp but amazing feeling of pain into me. I laid back onto the grassy fields feeling the rain hit my almost dead body listening to sound of the one thing that kept me sane go through my ears. Music.

_Now I can't walk, I can't talk anymore_

_Since you walked out the door _

_And now I'm stuck living out that night again I'm not falling apart _

_I heard you say needed me _

_Now what's the problem? I can't see _

_You destroyed me, I won't fall apart again _

_I'm not falling apart_

**Epilogue **

**Logan's POV**

_I sighed leaning on the back of my bed kicking my fancy dress shoes onto the floor. We recently heard the news, and oh crap did it hurt. I saw Ms. Knight bawling her eyes again as the same policeman told her the news. I was hiding in the bedroom eavesdropping on everything. Apparently James stabbed himself in the gut right next to Kendall's grave. _

_How ironic._

_I fumbled with my fingers thinking over the last time I saw him. The conversation we had. The emotions he was showing. Everything. _

"_Logan are you there?" I looked up as Carlos began to walk towards me. I quickly adjusted myself sitting up straighter scooting a little bit of room for him on the bed. He sent me a quick smile sitting right next to me._

"_Are you okay?" he asked as I sighed closing my eyes placing a hand on my face._

"_I-I don't know." I stuttered feeling tears swell up my eyes, "O-oh gosh I miss them. It's j-just striking me hard."_

"_It's striking us all hard buddy." he comforted wrapping his arm around me sobbing quietly. I dug my face on his neck feeling the tears roll down my cheeks._

"_What's going to happen?" I asked, "We can't do Big Time Rush with just us two."_

"_Sure we can." he whispered, "Kendall and James wouldn't want us to quit just as we began. We can still do it with just us."_

"_Okay." I replied wrapping my arms around his waist hugging him tightly. _

"_Well you should." he smiled "I'm sure it won't end as horrible as what happened to me." _

_The words echoed in my mind as I let go of his grasp. I stared deeply into his warm, chocolate colored eyes with mine._

"_Hey buddy I need to talk to you. I talked about with James before he died and I think he'd want me to tell you this." _

**THE END.**

**AN- Okay so originally I wasn't going to add that epilogue but I thought it over and was like hmm... that sounds pretty good. What do you think?**

**If you read please review :)**


	2. Part 2? Naw it's an Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

Well err, aha this is my first author's note so yahooootie. *dances with balloons falling to the ground and epic music playing*

Anyways, I'm here to talk to you about an awesome person, an awesome story, and this sucky one over here.

So a few weeks ago I got a review from someone named sega385 about writing a part two to this story. I never had any intentions of adding more to this but when I heard their idea and read their first chapter I was in awe struck 'cause of how so, so amazing it was. Heck it was even better than the original. I loved it so much and it was barely the first chapter.

So if you were unsatisfied with the ending of this story or wanting to read something pretty firetruckin' amazing author I dare you check this story out (I triple dog dare you!). You'll love it I swear.

I can't put up the link 'cause of ya know the rules (I'm not a rebel. The most I rebellious thing I've does was stay up fifteen minutes past my 'bed time' aha I'm lame). But it's on sega385's profile and it's called 'Not Falling Apart Part 2'. Also it's on my favorite stories list so you can find it there(:

Hope you guys like, naw I know you guys will like it ahaha.

Also to all you reviewers thank you so, so much. You guys are amazing fabulous and awesome and so unbelievable I'm so grateful for all the kind words. Thanks you so much(:

**Charlette~**


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